A long time since I have written.

For once in my life, all of the pain and hard work that I put into a relationship has paid off.

I have never been so happy and comfortable with someone. Ever.

And he is still mine.

The morning he was supposed to leave for Chicago, I was laying in bed next to him, crying quietly.... knowing that the end was coming. We had known since the start of us way back in November that we would end when he left.

And he just looked at me. Stared at me like he was trying to memorize each blink.

Then, he sighed. Opened his mouth to speak. Closed it again.

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded weakly.

"What would you say if I asked you if you wanted to give it a shot?"

Instead of answering, I responded with a cacophony of sobs and sniffles... in between which I managed to choke out the three terrfifying words that had been on the tip of my tongue for the last two months:

"I love you."

He smiled his secret little smile.

"I love you too, Carmen. And I don't say that to many people."

So. Within the span of a few moments, I went from being heartbroken, dreading my impending breakup, to being in love.... and in a long distance relationship.

Which I do not mind at all. It's just Chicago. Two and a half hours away, really.

We talk every night... text throughout each day.

Even though I'm ecstatic that we stayed together... I do still have to sleep alone.... and that is hard.

After only nine days of agonizing seperation, I drove down to Chicago for a visit yesterday and we had the most beautiful day.

A long walk to see his new apartment. Delicious food. Climbing up to the roof of his ten story building to see the Chicago skyline and slow dance to the music he played on his I-phone.

This morning at five thirty he woke me up at 5:30 AM and sleepily trudged downstairs with me to kiss me goodybe at my car so that I could make it to my class on time. Then patiently map-quested alternate directions for me when I called him hysterically because I thought I was lost.... twice. :)

I don't know how I managed to find this delirious happiness.

This went from a stilted, "friends with benefits" relationship with this cold and distant man that I never thought that I would get through to.... and developed into this beautiful serious relationship with a man who I really can't see myself without.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

And for the first time in years I can bask in this love.... celebrate it.... instead of hiding it and hating myself for feeling it.

I am so happy.

Really, really happy. :)

<3

I think we kind of fought on Saturday night? I didn't like it.

....And I don't like it that you haven't called me since like you said you would. You can't just dismiss me, you know. I'm a real person.

I don't like walking on egg shells. I think of telling you that it's over, whatever it is.

Then I think of the other night when you came over at 3AM after a party because you were worried.

You sighed, told me to turn my phone on and kissed me right there on my stoop.... my mouth still slightly full of breakfast burrito.

I hadn't felt that loved in a long time. I had thought that you were mad at me for something trivial.... and you assured me that you weren't.... taking me into your arms and kissing the spot where my neck meets my shoulder.

Later we lay side by side in bed....laughing and trading stories about imaginary friends and other childhood oddities.

It was raining, and it got so loud that we ran outside to look at it.... and if there were any doubt in my mind that I loved you then.... well. That night would have sent me over the edge for sure.

You, standing in your boxers and t-shirt in the freezing rain with your face all scrunched up... asking me if you "could come back inside" because I dared you to run out into the icy showers.

I laughingly pulled you back through the door and kissed the cold rain away from your face and felt such love for you at that moment that I had to catch my breath.

And then we fought. Didn't we?

Maybe it was the Oberon, but I'm pretty sure that you snapped at me on the phone. I was supposed to be spending the weekend at home and came back on Saturday night to see my friends after their graduation. I came to see YOU after your graduation.

I was waiting for you to call me so that I could leave the party, come home and fall into bed with you... slightly drunk and sleepy. Or for you to come hang out with me and the rest of all our friends after you left the bar.

Instead, you called and told me that you were in a bad mood and would call me tomorrow.

So, like any girl who is in love with you and who was, by then, a bit more than slightly drunk would do... I called you again to see if you were okay, please come to the party, I want to see you and if you really are upset then you should be around all of your friends that love you-blah,blah,blah.

"I'm not coming over there, Carmen."

You were short with me. Used my name and everything.

I was caught off guard and my reply was weak: ".......Okay."

That was that. You said a curt goodbye and here we are.

Like I said... maybe it was the Oberon... but I spent a good five minutes sitting by myself outside on the curb feeling overwhelmingly hurt and wondering where my wonderful lover of just two nights before had gone to.

And I haven't heard from you since.

And it's hurting me.

I don't like this.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

*I really like these songs:

-Sleeping Diagonally, by Iron and Wine

-Seaside, by The Kooks

-Ballad Of Big Nothing, by Elliot Smith

Sex fucks everything up.

If you didn't already know.

Excessive insecurities,

Phone calls only after two thirty

When the bars close,

And a body

that doesn't quite belong to just me

Anymore.